you're the one i want

2011-11-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

W.H.Y???? why it happened on me at this very time. who are you to give me so much pain. why is God treating me this way. what have i done. i don't know how to face anyone,it's so miserable!! i hate myself for making parents worry bout me. i hate myself for putting so much hope in this relationship. i hate myself for believing miracles would ever happen. i can't believe SPM is only one week away and it happened on me at this critical time. from the start, i should have known i'm a loser for putting so much faith in this relationship and loving you too much because all i get now is those endless tears.

2011-10-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

so it's torturing coz i miss almost everyone! i miss HIM and her. :(

:(

2011-09-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know what can i do. i'm feeling so helpless. They have their points and the fact is clearly shown in front of me. everyone is telling me the same thing,one after another. i hate how i'm blind to stupidity. i hate how down i am nowadays and tweet nonsense on twitter. i hate the night tears. i hope i can be honest to you but it's way too hurtful so i've chosen to take it all my own. the pressure is piling and i'm trying hard to stand firm because i can't do it, i really can't do it.........

Hey,howdy.

2011-09-17T00:16:00.000-07:00

yadda yadda, stop spotting my reddish and ugly pimples. sheesh.

i am back to action and i doubt when will i ever sign in blogger again. so, some have already hit goodbye to trial while imma still have to sit for one more paper which is arts tomorrow. *heaves a sigh* it's alright, i am done with all the tough subjects and i'm literally screaming out of joy now!

Poor thing,most of the people said that i don't look like myself in pictures. *sigh* anyway,this is me after dolling up and obviously i'm showing off my earrings over there. haha. so now you better compliment that stunning stones i was wearing. don't care if you decide to exaggerate or flatter me with 'OH MY GOSH, your earrings are so elegant-looking and this is the prettiest earrings i've ever seen!' just use any positive adjectives because yours truly is deeply in love with this earrings okay. x)

so i'm addicted in buying ornaments nowadays BUT at the same time i must practice to spend less...... and eat less too. yours truly now wanna go on a diet so badly, as usual, been dreaming and craving for non-flabby arms, non-chubby face,slim thighs and body figure. action speaks louder than words *gets a cup of green tea*

i'm running out of things to say. it's always like this whenever i revisited my blog after being left for so long. so....pardon me, will be continued. haha.

2011-08-05T05:56:00.000-07:00

there's no more you and me, you do not need to apologize anymore. everything shall bring to a full stop now. just say i'm heartless or cruel for being this way but i really don't want to carry on a relationship which i have no confidence in. just, it's over.

Lost World of Tambun

2011-07-05T01:50:00.000-07:00

It's 5.35p.m now and miraculously, i ain't sleepy at all as i usually take my nap at this hour. so let blogger to be my battery killer. :) on the 3rd of july, i went to Ipoh Parade and Lost World of Tambun. i didn't really feel like going at first and i even thought of skipping it although i knew i probably wouldn't have my money refunded. my mind was thinking 'it's just a normal trip,nothing to be thrilled about.' Just because my instinct kept urging me to go, so yea.. i woke up at 6.05a.m as we gotta reach school at 6.45a.m.

Usually i would wake up earlier than that like 1 hour before because i'm just that excited when it comes to going for vacations. Too bad,it didn't hit me that day. We reached Ipoh Parade and gosh, i couldn't feel any joy nor excitement. infact, i have this being-left-out feelings occuring me. i didn't do much shopping that day. wtf. i just bought a pair of earrings that's all. an improvement i guess, practicing to be less extravagant. :p

a treat to self and it eventually made me more lively!

i had this! Iced green tea cream frappuccino. it tasted really good. i had never thought green tea beverage can be this tasty. :D

credits to QiuLing aka JB. :D

finally, we reached Tambun. this was the place where i think i had made the right decision to join this trip. i enjoyed jumbo lot with this bunch of people (exclude the indian gang and oh yeah, qiu ling joined us) :) i didn't take much shots because we were in water theme park and it was really inconvenient to keep one solid thing by my side.

it was definitely a wonderful trip i must say, please don't count in the first stop. We were mad crazy! :p We screamed out of joy. we splashed water towards each other. We sat and played with the float we rented . We sang like mad when we were playing the swings. We clapped our hands when we were on the pirate ship and the amicable strangers clapped along for the sake of having fun. We laughed for no reason. It never destroyed the fun although qiuling hurt her toes and we brought her to first-aid-room for treatment :) have i told that she's 3 years younger than us? age is not a problem when it comes to having entertainment together but it depends on compatibility, yea? Overall,it was really amazing. really, it was. :D

Facts about K.L.P.J

2011-06-29T23:25:00.000-07:00

note: something is wrong with the font of this blog post.

My passion to blog is not that intense anymore. Comparing when i was still a fresh blogger, i could sacrifice my sleeping time just to get on blogger and rant whatever that happened to me daily. i almost forgot i have a blog until one of my friends on twitter said that my blog is getting dustier. :S so if anyone of you that often catches up with my updates on twitter, i think you guys would have known how unhappy i've been lately. :/

if curiosity is bugging you[i think i'm talking nonsense 'coz if you aren't curious you wouldn't even visit my blog right. ahem], anyway, these are some facts about me. :)

1. Image-conscious
yes, i'm an image-conscious kind of girl. i can't go out with myself dressing like hayyyy. i'll make sure my clothes are presentable and people wouldn't go like 'gosh,look at her outfit. ewww' if i'm having a tuition class on one particular day and parent rings up to inform me that we'll be having a dinner with relatives,i would make sure i'll be able to go back to dress up an appropriate attire. oh yea, another thing of myself is i would make sure my hair is perfectly combed before leaving my house. sometimes, i just gotta shake my head when people start creating stupid ideas like ' i don't like to make up because it's just so fake' or 'i don't think make up is a right thing to do. natural beauty is the best' OR claiming that people that put on makeups are overall bitches. if you are alert, this bunch of people that come out with these words are either don't know how to make up AT ALL or envy people that make or dress up better than them OR think that everyone in this universe is as pretty as them. so, is that a sin when an ugly girl like me only intends to enhance myself with any positive ways i could?

2. Sensitive

To convert into a better statement, i care too much. i'm still wondering if i'm a sensitive person because when i care, i really care that bit too much but when i don't give a damn, i will just turn my back and walk away. i think i gotta blame P.M.S sometimes because it increases my sensitivity. lol. oh this, especially when it comes to friendship, referring to the one i care the most, i mind every little thing she says. it's offensive to me when everyone else thinks it's not. just say i am hard to handle. or maybe i'm too sensitive thinking myself is sensitive? :( okay, everyone is sensitive in their own way. *self-convincing*

3. Active

...in a sense of i love to trick on others [not that extreme one okay], sing like i'm lady gaga in the class but sometimes i just syok sendiri, sad case. the thing i could never miss out is, i love to hang out and travel. i think i'd mentioned in my previous post that i couldn't stay and rot at home for the whole freaking week. it drives me insane okay. at least going out for a jog with friends or a tea-time section with them after attending tuition classes. so, basically i'm a very playful and that type of never- stop-craving for fun and entertainment. this is also the reason why i spend a lot of money. *Cries*

4. Extravagant

i crave and hunt for pretty clothes. just so you know, i'm an image-conscious girl. :) can i be classified as a shopaholic? because i don't grab whatever i see but when something catches my eyes, oh well. my purse will definitely get thinner after that. and sigh, most of the things especially pretty clothes make my saliva drips. :( i gotta get rid of being extravagant!

and the list goes on.....as my mood is no longer here,i might as well put a fullstop before my descriptions sound wrong. :)

Love affair?

2011-05-31T05:31:00.000-07:00

karma i think and karma awakened me. i did not appreciate someone who had been treating me like a princess ages ago. how?? haha. i'm not gonna tell because at the end it will either make you break down or you'll start cursing me for not appreciating such a good guy.

i watched my friend broke up with her boyfriend and how overwhelmed she was. i witnessed a couple having a fight and shouted at each other. i read those tweets and watched romance movies which made me put high expectation on boys. seriously it sucks because all this little little things happen to be one kind of phobia.

many times i would think, what if i really indulge in a love affair? many minor questions would eventually run through my head. no, i don't mean puppy or chick love. i'm talking bout getting into a lifetime relationship. questions like 'will he be what i wanted? will he say the same sweet thing to other girls? will my and his parents approve us? will he date me out just to, maybe console me because i'm down? and etc....' i think a lot,more than this because i don't wanna simply get into a relationship just for fun's sake, break up and that's it. and, i can hardly trust one's words because if 10 out of 10 say the same thing to me,who should i believe? too many sweet talkers,too many doubts. perhaps this phrase 'action speaks louder than words' is really right. nah,just another emo post. it's just my random thoughts.

It has been a while!

2011-05-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

last published on 26th march 2011

Oh my...! i've been missing in action for so long. i am pretty sure that almost 80% of my readers had faded. ugh. i am currently using my aunt's laptop because my laptop is now under medical treatment =.= and it might take up a month or so. how's my life? okay, this post is only for warming up >.< haha,pathetic! will be back soon. :)

I changed.

2011-03-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

The globe is rotating upside down now. i'm the globe. i mean, my thoughts.

You see.
the one i loathed the most becomes my buddy. i hated 'lap cheong' but i find it delicious now. i thought putting on make-up was something too extraordinary but now it's perfectly fine and it's no longer a big deal even though going for a simple hangout. i hated onion spring but now it's just some random food i eat every day. i thought he was just some random people when everyone had been hypnotized by his appearance but this thought is fading. the one i thought i could never have the opportunity to mix with is a friend of mine now.

Oh,this is so confusing. From NO to YES. this is so stupid BUT i'm glad at the same time,not fully yet because it troubles me a little. Hmph.

Have you ever....

2011-03-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

...typed on a message and then backspaced them all because you think it's useless even though it has been sent out?
...missed somebody so much but you just couldn't tell who you've been missing around?
...tried to talk something but you pull back your words because you're unsure about the response the one might give?
...failed to tell someone you love her/him so much?
...wondered how your future might turn out?
...wondered why things are changing without your consent and you can hardly accept the fact though you gotta?
...hide your tears so that people couldn't see?
...wondered will you drown in tsunami?
...thought why is this world so unfair at times?
...felt like shouting at the person that offends you?
...felt like hugging someone but you just couldn't?
...tried to fake a smile so that people wouldn't see the pain and sorrow in you?
...sacrificed yourself just to please others?
...wondered the one you're messaging with might text the same thing with others?
...thought why skinny girls always get the most attention?
...wished yourself becoming a billionaire?
...wished time is reversible?
...wished to re-make your decisions?
...wondered who is being true to you and who isn't?
...wondered why you have so many imperfections?
...wondered who criticizes or praises you all the time?
...doubted the one you're thinking might think of you?
...lost your trust and faith on someone else because the one disappoints you pretty much?
...gone to bed with tears streaming down your cheeks and you just couldn't tell how devastating you are feeling?
...confused your feelings or feelings confuse you?

Have you? Never? But I did.

Nightmare

2011-03-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

If you're close to me,you will know how insane i can be. i can sing in the crowd. i can even dance around with not-so-close-friends. i can be really crazy most of the time.

so i was singing and dancing with friends in the lobby of genting though lotsa people were passing by. As retardation was running through my veins , i acted as if i was some sort of singer or maybe clown =.= i started to wave my hands (of course not those big waves) towards people that passed by me,thinking i'm so cool.

i think i'm cool. yea, i'm cool that a few guys came towards me and asked for a photo taking with me and one of my friends. i was thinking,come on it's just a snap and in a sense of manners,i shall. so,he held his hand out trying to be a gentleman to get my ass off the place i was sitting. i refused his help because i didn't want any body contact with a stranger. remember,stranger!

His friend became the cameraman and we started to pose. i felt something was wrong, very wrong. he put his hand round my waist and IT MADE ME BOIL! it's not that i'm a very close-minded person,you'll know how i feel if you're in that situation. back to the story, so i was like what the fuck is he trying to do?! i tried to push his hand away by using my elbow and he didn't let go. so he requested for one more snap. OH please, one more snap? one more touch? who do you think you are? face like shit. it was still acceptable if you're an australian or american. i was just entertaining you,fucker.

Right away, i said i needed to go and i didn't face them when i was talking. Wishing they will disappear in front of me as fast as possible but one of these motherfuckers kept bugging me and i kept repeating the same sentence I NEED TO GO. The other motherfuckers were pulling this desperado as i showed my reluctant face. God blessed they finally walked away after that. Thank God i was in a big crowd or else, even tang soo do can't help. At night, i'd got to know the same case happened, much worser than this and yea, the same bunch of motherfuckers.

Feeling so uneasy and annoyed now. Conclusion, don't be too friendly. i mean, don't be too crazy because things like this might happen and yea,it happened on me. bloody hell.

God, can you hear me? :(

2011-03-11T09:03:00.000-08:00

People died. Cars were all being swept away by water. People lets just pray together. tsunami had hit Japan and it is said that New Zealand,Philippine and America are in danger. So does Australia [not really sure which part] but please don't, sister is over there! :( and i've got the latest news saying that it might hit east of malaysia which means around sabah and sarawak. Tsunami & earthquake, please stop hitting. Please..

Thigh oh thigh.

2011-03-08T00:27:00.000-08:00

I hate my leg. i mean, i hate my fat swollen thigh . sports day is in this coming friday and i'm involved in marching. because of my stupid and irritating swell, i can't march as it aches me after marching, having a long walk or even touch it a little harder. fml.

okay, i don't like marching but i feel like i'm so irresponsible. Sports trial is tomorrow and i told the leader at this very moment that i'm not able to march. i'm so sorry,really very sorry. Another disappointing case, this coming saturday i'll be going to malacca. not sure if i can go with my condition like this but i wanted to go so badly. yea, i'm desperate to travel. thigh oh thigh, can't you just change back to your normal skin color as soon as possible and get rid of your bloody swollen skin? :(

Talk or text?

2011-03-05T08:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i prefer calling instead of texting. i can't be a 24-hour texter and i'm very sorry to say, i get bored easily. But, if you were to ask me hang on the phone talking for long hours, i'll be much better than texting. This is the reason why my credits have always been used up in just a few days.

texting?

don't you hate it when people reply you with an extremely short text? it's like you type a super long message and what you got is..... an okay, hehe, haha, lol, :) or you name it! For me, it will totally ruin my mood nor. T.T and by that means i won't reply the one because it looks like you're hinting me that you don't feel like chatting with me or you're busy with something else.

This explains WHY i choose to talk more than text! if you're talking to anybody else, you can see his expression, reaction and probably can have more conversation than texting. don't understand why people just can't ring my handphone especially anything urgent like... hey,have you come? the class is going to start! shy to talk or try to save up credits? i feel warmer and cordial by talking on the phone or face to face. but i know la, people are shy sometimes. i admit i am too when confronting some people but please lah,sometimes you just gotta be more spend-able for you and people's sake >.<

Nostalgia

2011-03-04T09:13:00.001-08:00

I just blogged not long ago and now i'm blogging again. i was supposed to attend my friend's party today but due to my hands and leg injuries, i'm not able to attend.

Before i started this post, i was actually lying on my bed while tweeting and facebooking via mobile. so, i was viewing pictures of vien's birthday celebration. i saw a picture of a board decorated by her boyfriend which was full of pictures and stuff. it wasn't that clear so i turned on my laptop to have a better view. i almost broke down when i saw the pictures of all of us.

i don't know why. our memories from standard 6 to form 2 keep flashing in my mind now. from the day we built the little wooden house until we both got conflict during form 1. Then you've got a boyfriend and i'm the first one to know. how grateful i am that time. we began to hang out very frequently and mixed around with seniors. Ah, what a great nostalgia i'm having now. words couldn't describe how i feel now. i just miss the moments VERY VERY MUCH.*teary eyes*

Before i bring this post to an end, for the third time, HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIEN. i guess you enjoyed your day pretty much. may all your little little dreams come true. *hugs*

My own sense of fashion

2011-03-04T06:59:00.000-08:00

Just so you know i love buying pretty stuff. i think this is an inluenza from my family. i mean,my aunts. Ever since i'm a kid, my aunts love to go kl to do their shopping spree. Most of the time, KL is their first choice despite Ipoh. so, they often bring me along. they go for shopping not only during before chinese new year, they sometimes go when they've got free time but nowadays lesser already.

i think that is why my taste is 85 percents alike with them. i don't have any intention to humiliate anyone here. i'm just telling my kind of style. i could still remember there was one lady comparing branded clothes sold in kl and clothes in t.i. She said branded clothes are mostly very old-fashioned-looking. i wanna knock her head to the infinite times. probably she found it boring dressing this way but for me, i find it absolutely alright and nice. i'll just list a few here.

i don't like handbags made from plastic especially those which are visible.

colorful handbags? a BIG no-no for me.

with those silly words, different colors of font,cartoon or anime printed on it
a plain tee with plain words is acceptable for me.

I love something like this

round-neck or v-neck basic tee
it's just simple and nice :)

i love plaids.

floral dresses. don't you think wearing floral dresses make you look a little slimmer?
i said so because its flower complication covers a little of your physical fats especially tummy part. really!

unlike others, i don't have perfect body figure. i'm just a fatass. so, girls, clothes and cosmetics are my secret tools. Oh please,don't tell me 'bout natural beauty. if you ever tell me this two words, don't ya wear clothes. natural beauty kan? nobody wants to be ugly. each and every girl in this universe wants to be pretty and slim one nor! the way we dress ourselves is a big matter for me.

Gotta agree

2011-03-04T00:17:00.000-08:00

“It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't but it's harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do.''

I should have listened to her.

2011-03-03T06:47:00.000-08:00

Everything is over now but i cannot stop blaming myself for not listening to her

So, it started from this morning where i insisted to ride my motorbike to go for motor test though i am strongly banned from riding a bike. Told ya,my family is a worrier.

mom: i'll fetch you there. don't ride.
me: no, i'll ride there. you just go to work.
mom: no!! *nags nags*
me: i'm going out now mom. bye. *starts the engine*

i actually sped during my way to undang place because the rain started to fall and i am almost late! so, i reached before my friends did. i THOUGHT i could pass the test and i didn't expect i would fall down when crossing the bridge. this was the second time i fell. the other one was during training time. so my thigh was paining, can barely move and i bruised my hand. Friends kept asking me if i'm alright and if i'm able to ride back. Stubbornly, i said yes and that i can go for breakfast with them.

So, we headed to alex coffee shop for brunch. my friends were in front of me and we were speeding. they had passed the traffic light except me. i was trying to follow and keep the distance near with them so i sped along. when i'm about to reach the traffic light, suddenly it turned to yellow light. i tried to brake,brake, BRAKE and POOF. my bike fell as well as me. my helmet was rolling on the ground( and it rolled to the middle of four-junction) and my spec flew to somewhere else. [i fell twice, what the hell]

by the time i fell, i think my friends were about to reach there already. so, i got up with my thighs screaming in pain, took my helmet, my spec and used all my strength to make my bike stand. Thank God there wasn't any vehicles behind me and that the vehicles right opposite of the junction were holding their brake,let me settle everything down before moving.

my thighs were really painful and bruises were all around my hands. i was shivering when i got back. i was crying like mad freak and i got shock when i saw one big swell on my thigh. feeling so helpless when nobody was home . SHE was the first one that came across my mind. I could have known she wasn't in t.i but i couldn't help myself but to phone her.

i was weeping real hard until i couldn't raise my voice to talk. i kept stuttering on every single word i said. i think she was mad scared that time because this was the ever first time i'm crying while talking to her on the phone. ;)

Her: hello,liew jiun jiun *With happy tone*
me: la---y-n-e... *with sobbing sound*
Her: what's wrong???
me: i---.. *tries to stop sobbing*
Her: chill, what's wrong?
me: acc--i-de---nt..
Her: huh? where are you now?
me: h--om--e
Her: have you called dad and mom?
me: N-oo.. *weeps even more* *suddenly thought of brother* i'll call him now.

i think after calling brother, layne gave him a call again

me: come and pick me up
Brother: to where?
me: just come. you come and pick me up. okay?
Brother: okay.
me: YOU, okay YOU!
Brother: yes yes.

In the car, he questioned me but i really couldn't manage to answer his questions as it made me break down every time he asked. After going to clinic, i went back. A few hours later,mom came back to see my condition. i thought she would nag but no,she asked me with a soft voice and said she's heartache to see my bruises. :/

Couldn't stop myself from recalling the ugly scene and the responses i gave to mom this morning. I should have listened to her. i failed the test and now i'm considering if i should retake again. i feel like i'm a disabled person now especially when bathing. sigh. and people,don't risk your life. hmphhh....

Forever?

2011-02-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

I can't get into sleep because i'm still very energetic. So, blog will be my energy killer! if you're gonna roll your eyes and start cursing me while reading through my post,back off kay. ahem,sound harsh? :p yeappp, i'm not that kind of innocent girl neither in physical nor mental. but for my brother's friends, i might look one because i'm a typical shy girl since the day i know them. so,some of them have already assumed me as an innocent freak. *coughs*

i find it ridiculous every time people posting 'i love you FOREVER' in facebook/tumblr/twitter or any other public websites and then their status from in a relationship change to single after a certain period. Something like this :

Scene 1

boy: do you love me? :)

girl: of course, i will love you forever. *hugs*

the next day,*in a relationship to single*

Scene 2

boy: babe, i miss you so much. i just want to tell you,i'll love you forever! :))

girl: i promise i will too. *kisses*

after a few hours,*in a relationship to single*

i know couples are super affectionate during the very first stage but trust me,after breaking up, you'll regret for what you have said especially when you recall back the word, FOREVER. i mean don't lah publicly post it on website in fact, just send through private messages because to be honest, viewers like me will have this kind of thought. An 'i love you' is perfectly alright,don't need to add forever. not until you get married. ;)

p/s: i only meant couples. making jokes with friends on the net with those words is absolutely not an issue,for me. :)

19th of February

2011-02-22T06:58:00.000-08:00

Housewarming party
*deep breath* Finallyyyyyy,after so long of renovating,decorating, hammering, beautifying and waiting. ;)

i think there were almost 200 people were invited to come over, such a crazy amount right with a bunch from here and there.

yummylicious
spot my mom in black. one of my friends said she looked like lady gaga. *coughs* my mom isn't that aggresive and exposed kay. ><

so-called hyppo group. :) basically we have known each other for 7 years since we were in primary school. see how time flies and we all are growing up, turning into more feminine and lady-like. yes yes, i'm talking 'bout myself. haha

i looked like a fat ass standing beside her and hell, she's pretty fair. *envy* i want to be slimmer! slimmer! how amazing if i can go for liposuction. if i were given a chance to do so, i'll definitely suck all my fat cells especially parts like arms,thighs and......ass. i'm not kidding yo.

did you notice i'd changed into different clothes? lol!
this dressing was more comfortable and easy to camwhore,probably? what theory is this. =.=

if i am not who i am, will you still be here with me?

2011-02-21T08:39:00.000-08:00

...i always wonder. people are hard to trust and curiosity has always been bugging me.

it hurts a lot when you're being good to others but they don't appreciate it. infact,they take you for granted. it hurts even more when you have found out something, you can only blindfold yourself and keep tolerating. it hurts thousands millions more when you regret for what you have done[and you have put a lot of effort,energy and time just to make one feel consented] when you have initially told yourself, 'i'll NEVER do this anymore.'

what i want to say is, good deeds will not always be paid off. you might get hurt in return. not gonna say fuck my life. it's just fuck myself for being so DAMNfreaking good to you and this is what i get. kelly liew,you're always being too smart for nothing.

and still...if i am not who i am, how my life is gonna be?

Finally :)

2011-02-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

looking mature in this picture,no?

i know my blog has been lacking of updates and it's very atrocious to leave my blog rusted. Feeling spoilt for skipping school for like 3 times this week, with reasons alrrrrrright. Anyway, i'll TRY not to, just TRY. :) i think i've lost my passion to blog. it's really pathetic and saddening when i didn't know where and what should i start off. okay,i'm regaining back the interest now.

so i had my evening break with friend right after tuition. she told me something and it made me realise what i had never all this while. she said 'don't you think, you only express yourself when you're with your family. meaning, you treat them as your closest ones which you need not to hide your emotions especially when it comes to anger' pretty true. probably i'm being inconsiderate and not understanding enough. perhaps i need to learn more 'bout psychology.

Move on,one thing i wanted to complain is how good if there is no discrimination between

males and females. don't misinterpret, i don't mean my family in this case. what i'm gonna tell is.. for instance, a girl went out with a boy. somebody saw and there the rumour started to spread around. i know, i have this thought when i am still very young and i admit that i had a very immature thinking that time. i mean, it's okay right a boy and a girl hang out together just in term of friends. why must it be 'what? you hang out with him? when you guys started?'

it will be a different story if a girl who is taken goes out with a single boy because who knows either one of the taken boy or girl will mind and take it hard in this case. though, this discrimination is probably also the way for guys to confess? haha. it's like, i am a male. i date you out which means i'm interested in you and then the love story begins.

so, yours truly is going to take a few snaps on my innocent,chubby and cute pictures when i was in primary and then post it up on blogger someday. damn chubby you know. ;p

2011-01-29T09:50:00.000-08:00

i'm so sorry my dear readers. i didn't update my blog for like, a month i guess? lack of time, weariness, studies, can't go online. alright, i know. what an excuse. today is chinese new year eve. by the time i'm typing this, i'll be having my reunion dinner in about 2 hours time. see how time flies. i'm form 5 this year that myself can hardly believe this fact. most of the time, when someone enquires me about my age. i'll think for seconds and then react 'i'm 17 this year'

An embarassing moment was that a muslim asked me about my form i'm in and i actually told her i'm in form 4. i'd got to realise it after a few minutes of sitting down, refreshing my mind thinking what i've said and done. so, i'll be getting my car license soon which i've been waiting and craving like mad woman. learning to be independent by driving for tuitions and places i wanted to go alright.

i'll be back soon. be patient with me. :)

Hard, Harder, Hardest

2010-12-27T05:04:00.000-08:00

ain't this is so true?

Deprivation

2010-12-23T23:33:00.000-08:00

Yes, you're right. You're all right. i'm a fucking lazy bug that does nothing at home. i don't go to help out. i stay at home from the sun rises till the sun sets. i'm a fucking useless brat. oh,are you thinking that i don't have that piece of guilt heart? i don't know how to communicate with you guys because it gets me sick all the time. i'm introvert,i'm not amicable.i don't know how to crack jokes like how she did. i don't know how to use proper words or begin a conversation with you guys. and you, stop backstabbing my beloveds in front of me, as if i'm on your side? as if you're completely perfect? as if you thoroughly understand the situation? you were not fixing or making things right. you just didn't know what you did actually harm us. is that beneficial to you anyway? i'm jealous to see you guys treating others WAY better than me. i'm so fucking heartbroken when i saw you rewarded other's son for his achievement but not me when i achieved the same damn thing. you rewarded me only because i'm on the spot to see you acting so generously giving away your 50 bucks to him. unfairness? i've already used to it since small but i just can't resist the tears i've had every time you guys behaving this way. if i were to count my tears, i think it's more than i shit. i'm so fucking hate to see your fucking face.

Happy Christmas Eve, peeps!

2010-12-23T07:45:00.001-08:00

I have loads of holiday homework to be done but i've only touched one out of seven. i don't have the spirit to do right now therefore i happen to blog. when i'm typing this, it's exactly 15 minutes till it reaches christmas eve. i could still remember how pathetic i am ages ago when it came to christmas . i didn't celebrate christmas because i'm still a little kid last time, i didn't know where should or suppose i go. i didn't know how to get my parent's consent to chill out with friends until midnight. i didn't know who should i call or chill with.

I could still remember how kelly liew acted so pitifully and ridiculously laughs hard. I was that time having my slide phone, w580 and i had a christmas song in my music gallery. my siblings were all chilling out with friends at somewhere in teluk intan to countdown for christmas but they didn't tag me along for safety purpose. :(

So, i was really down that time as there was no one on earth that could accompany me to celebrate that special day and that my parents didn't celebrate christmas. They didn't think of bringing me anywhere to,maybe have supper while enjoying looking a few bunches of teens at that particular spot counting down from ten until one and yell at the top of their lungs MERRY CHRISTMAS! maybe they thought before, but never did. =.=

Hence, i celebrated alone. How? i played the christmas song which the volume was only sufficient for my ears to be heard and i shed out of loneliness. laugh out loud. i'm such a negative thinker,i still think i am now sometimes. i think my day during christmas now is getting better in a sense of, i don't shed for only because no one celebrates christmas with me. shakes head.

Getting better doesn't mean this year would be perfectly great. i don't know if my christmas celebration this year will go well but i know i won't be weeping while listening to jingle bell. :p

It's past twelve now. so, have a good day and HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE everyone! :D

17th-20th of december

2010-12-21T00:14:00.000-08:00

It was a last decision which i've been deciding to go. why do i sound so reluctant? :p anyway, i'd been to petaling jaya and port dickson. our first stop was One World Hotel. Since the hotels were not ready yet and it's in cleaning and dettol-ing process, so we carried on to Zoo Negara. you know, i'm following my uncle and he has a bunch of kids. you know kids adore animals so much right. oh,wait. i love animals too. ;p

my cousins were watching me awkwardly. i felt a little shy during the first few snaps.

look how adorable were they.

i regretted for not getting myself one.

finally, i got to rest!

it needed our room card to access to the room level we were staying.

alright, they were not free of charge. They were damn costly compared to the market price. how i wish i can munch them all up.

sister and i dozed off until roughly around 9p.m. Cleaned ourselves up, went out to pick layne and hunt for food.

Steven's Corner was our choice!

My plate of nasi lemak with fried squids.

side dish of fried chickens. we thought of going for a movie after that but the tickets of the movie we wanted to watch were either all had been sold out or the seats were too near to the screen. since, we went back and continued with our dreams.

the next day. dressed up and ready for shopping session.

had our evening break at Wong Kok Char Chan Teng.

The french toast there was scrumptious!

silly layne. <3

dressed up and headed to Murni SS2 which has been my favourite mamak stall in PJ for our dinner

delectableness. seafood spaghetti!

and my not-very-yummy fried rice.

next station, we went for a midnight movie,TRON.

Indeed a nice movie i must say.

The next day. it took us an hour plus to reach Port Dickson, the international water homes.

a mini pool in our room. though, there were ants on our bed,how terrible.

changed into my bikini. i know. i have excessive fats. i know. i know. i should have gone for diet plan before this. >.<

it's my little cousin's birthday on the 19th!

*blowwwwws* 'i'm officially a big kid already'

the forth day. headed to Ikea to have our lunch and loitered around. my ass was partially broke during the journey of approximately two freaking hours. we went home after that. :)

Bridge of Love

2010-12-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

We knew each other through a friend. We began to exchange our contact numbers and started to text almost every day, twenty-four hours continuously. i had never thought of getting into a relationship with him. Infact, i treated him as a very close friend that i could share everything with. In addition, i knew he had a crush on someone else and he was on his mission to get into the girl's life. Perhaps this was part of the reasons why i never thought of getting close with him,only friends. and that one day i got to know the girl he fond of. i actually helped him to tighten their relation with any possible ways i could. i didn't know i would be so irrational that i enquired the girl with some silly questions until a few passing years, i eventually gave up.

From little text messages to phone conversations.

That was how our chain of friendship changed gradually. Yea,little by little. We could actually chat from night 'till the sun rose, didn't matter if we had empty talks,lame jokes or hanging on the phone spoke nothing, we just went on and on. i thought he treated me as his diary. he told me his secrets and shared his good and bad experiences with me. On my side, i seldom did that because i am those secretive type and i am such a failure in explaining and describing the difficulties i was having. He was the one that often reminded me to express and let go my feelings. i guess my tries worked! We had better conversations since then. Both of us felt rather rejoiced.

One day, he texted me. i was kinda surprised when he confessed to me. Nevertheless, i rejected his confessions. After several months, he confessed again but i rejected. Afterall, i'd rejected him thrice. However, we were still friends. We still chatted like how we used to.

During the long term holidays, there was a trip and i doubtlessly followed as i'm a travel lover. He followed too by coincident. Almost every tripmate knew about us. i guess it was because it was really obvious to see him treating me fairly differently compared other girls and guys. Our first destination was a popular shopping mall. It was really crowded and everyone was trying to get on their ways. Mischievously, one of the tripmates said ' hey, better watch her tight. it's really crowded here.' Right away, he pulled me closer and led all the way. i was astonished and stunned. My heart skipped a little but i pretended as if everything was just fine.

Cinema was our next destination. I could still remember we watched a really boring movie and i had horrible period cramp. we got our tickets and walked in the screen room. Once again, our tripmate was trying to trick us. She said 'hey, we pair up alright since we have 6 people here'. So, we got into seats and the advertisements started to screen. my period cramp was disastrous. i felt cold,uncomfy and my face went pale. He asked me what's wrong and i told him about it shamelessly. My heart skipped a few pounds when he suddenly held my palms tight. He asked me to bare with it and that he'll get me a pill after that. As what i had expected, he confessed again when the movie was ongoing. i told him that i couldn't accept him because the one he loved wasn't me, but her.

I never thought. I had never thought. It was totally out of my expectation that he kissed my forehead when i said so. i turned my head briskly . My heart beat like a playing drum. I was that time in dilemma,thinking if i should just run out of the room or pretend as if everything was going fine. i chose to stay because i didn't want to aggravate the situation.

After a few days of having fun, it was the last day where all of us were sort of heavy-hearted to leave. i sat at the front seat and i didn't turn my head to talk with him,not even once during the entire journey. In fact, i texted him as it was very inconvenient for me to talk something confidential between us. i even thought of mumbling or maybe whispering to his ears but i was afraid if it would cause so much misunderstandings. There i messaged him 'can we just forget what had happened during the trip? i'm sorry' He replied me with an extreme short reply 'ok'.

I guess i had wrenched his heart tremendously. i didn't know what else can i do. Confusion stroke me. So, we stopped contacting each other for a certain time. Days passed by and it came to my birthday where my family had initially organized me a birthday dinner in a newly build coffee shop. I dressed myself up and even put on make-up. We sat down as soon as we reached as the table had been reserved for us. we kept talking and eating, not realizing the people around us. Out of a sudden, a boy came in while holding a huge present. I turned my head and i looked at him startlingly. Again, my heart pumped hard,real hard! It was him! He confronted my family members, gave the gift to me,wished me and complimented me.......

you're so beautiful today

Everyone was starring and looking at us. Some even came to me and asked for a photo taking as if i'm a superstar. I'm nervous and shy at the same time. I was surprised when my family didn't inquire me anything when we got back. I just kept silent and tried not to bring up topics related to it as i was afraid i would stutter. Confusion hit me once again because i had two guys on my mind. Perhaps it was just a small crush. i didn't know and i thought i love the other one more than him.

He was being so good to me. I tried to be as cruel as i could because i wanted him to get over me as apart of being influenced by friends, i concluded that my crush towards the other guy was deeper. I replied his messages late, ignored his calls and even tried to escape from him whenever he came to my house. I sent a few brutal texts after that. We fought and fought until the last message he sent to me. He said..

.........i'm sorry if i have done anything that hurts or breaks your heart. But all i know is i love you. i mean it. i even thought of committing suicide when all these happened. I just want you to know, i'll love you forever.....take care.

That's how it is,my bridge of love.